Four Pounders Opt Out Of Mandatory Practice

July 6, 2008

BURLINGTON, MA - "I am very disappointed and angry at the four Dog Pound players who decided to ditch a mandatory practice. Sure, I would have loved to wake up early and reel in another monster pike like the one shown to the left, however I'm sick of losing and I want to get better. Each of the four misfits will be heavily fined with possible suspensions" said head coach Bryan Riley to an onslaught of reporters outside his home.

The four players were Chuck Doherty, Dan Schuler, Matt Leary, and Jason Guidi. Each of the four players were tracked down today and have made the following statements:

CHUCK DOHERTY: "I knew I should have attended yet I'm upset with the whole shortstop thing. I refuse to practice at shortstop and I expected that is all I would have done at the stupid practice. Not only that, yet I have to build my deck. It's dangerous not having completed the deck, what if someone tried to climb stairs up my deck and there were no stairs to climb. That's a lawsuit I don't want to see. "

DAN SCHULER: "I was trying to make it however I had a rough day. I was stuck at Foxwoods with a little rain man who was counting cards for me. We were winning big and I was planning on using the money to throw a huge bash for the Dog pound but then the casino caught on and I was arrested. They sent me to the Burlington police Department where I was paired up with this huge guy name Rocko. It was humiliating, he made me wear a wig and all. None the less, I'm having a tough time walking never the less hitting."

MATT LEARY: "I too tried to make it however I was forced to work an incident at the Burlington Police Department. I was forced to investigate an alleged sexual assault in the Police Department. It was quite a scene, I believe that a 5'6" 145lb man raped a 6'3" 230lb man. How he did it is still being investigated. The young man will be held in the jail cell for another 4 days and he seems to be taking it exceptionaly well."

JASON GUIDI: "Yeah I knew about the practice yet fuck that. It's obvious I can practice sitting on the fucking bench at home. I spent the whole morning building a small bench in my shower so I can be ready and prepared for the upcoming games."

Well are these excuses legit or do we just have four premadonas on our hands?