For Riley: Mission...Denied

February 8, 2007

FALL RIVER, MA>Team “Mission accomplished” rejected applicant Bryan Riley for their summer softball team claiming his past is “Shady”. Team Mission is a conservative softball team originated in the southern most part of the liberal state of Massachusetts. It was started by an anonymous man who goes by the alias of Adolph H. “This team was started to combat the ideals of liberalism. We have recruited some of the finest conservatives in the country who are also decent softball players...Hail Me” Claims Mr. H. in his very strong German accent. When we questioned why the very conservative, America loving Riley was left off this years roster shortstop Bill O’Rielly spoke up claiming that Reilly’s application was deceiving “ first off he claims his last name is Riley but when we interviewed him...well let’s just say there were some questions…Hail coach”

 When I asked Mr. O’Reilly to elaborate he responded claiming ”when you interview a candidate with a last name like Riley you expect him to be a true American… you know... White… not Mexican… Hail Coach.”

 But we found out there was more to this then just his ethnic background that kept him off the converted team there was the issue of his wife’s religion that sent Mr. H in a violent tirade. “It was pretty intense” claims whacked out right fielder, right handed hitter, right-handed thrower, who only makes right turns Sean Hannity. “I’ve never seen coach like that,” claims first basemen Toby Keith if “I see that grimy Mexican I’m gonna stick a boot in his ass cause it’s the American way… Hail Coach”

 All is not lost for Mister Riley if he is willing to prove his loyalty to the cause. Some teammates gave suggestions. Catcher and former congressman of FLA-R. Mr. Mark Foley said he could hit on underage male interns. Mr. O’Rielly suggests he sexually harass his producer then make an out of court settlement and claim it never happened. Center fielder Ted haggard said he could get some meth and bang tons of male prostitutes while condemning gay marriage. Toby added, “Hell he could just beat his wife. That’s what I do…Hail coach”

 “While all of these are great suggestions” states Mr. Riley “I have plans of my own. See I sold my house and bought a trailer, I’m watching lots of NASCAR I’ve disowned my Mexican parent, planted a cross in my plot of land. I throw rocks at pregnant teenagers, burn as much Styrofoam as I can, and I donated money to a Timothy McVeigh Memorial.”

 UPDATE: when getting wind of Mr. Riley’s actions the team is reconsidering it’s position “If we accept him I hope he realizes that this will be his last chance one even slightly liberal idea and he’s gone” states the team captain and pitcher G.W. Bush “see there is this old saying in Tennessee…well I heard it in Texas but I think Tennessee says it too it goes fool me once…you’re... fooled see if you fool me…you’re a fool ….you won’t get fooled again.”