PROPER SOFTBALL ETIQUETTE

Softball starts with the word “Soft”, so already in its moniker the sport immediately lays claim to its lame nature. No sane individual should ever take the mindless sport of softball too seriously. Yet every summer and fall the diamonds are packed with rabid softball junkies who do. First and foremost, I fully admit that I love playing softball. It’s fun, there’s not much opportunity to get hurt, and you can get drunk while you play. (This is the same reason I love bowling and shooting pool) But lately, as I hit my thirties, I’ve noticed that the leagues are getting more and more competitive.

Is taking softball too seriously the ultimate in overzealousness? I think it just might be. So maybe it’s about time we laid down some helpful guidelines on proper softball etiquette.

1. Practice

We should be limited to one practice at the beginning of the season. We field four outfielders AND a DH. I'm surprised we're not allowed to use segway scooters out there. One practice is enough. And don’t even think about asking any of us to run. Just bring a syringe filled with adrenaline and a defibrillator to all the games and we should be gold.

2: Stretching Out

Stretching out before a game gets you loose and can prevent injuries and muscle strains. However it shouldn’t take more then 5-10 minutes, and should never involve you grunting and yowling like you are Conan the Barbarian preparing to do battle with a winged saber-toothed dragon. My favorite is the obligatory “AHHHHH” after each stretch. Better still is the “I wanna be Bo Jackson” stretch, with the bat over your head as you twist your fat torso.

3: Baseball Pants are for Baseball

I don’t even know where you went and bought those knit pants, but those are for playing baseball. This is softball, where the uniform is a shitty t-shirt, shorts, and some kind of footwear that may, or may not, include flip-flops. I’m glad they’re pin-striped though. If you’re going to look like an asshole, look like a Yankee I suppose.

(Side Gripe: Stirrups? Can anyone tell me why these are still around? We’ve cured cholera and women can vote now, so maybe it’s time baseball got some new sox)

4: Our Friend that “Likes to Play”

But sucks so much that innings can last up to 30 minutes because they're afraid to catch the ball. And when they end up throwing the ball, they look like someone with cerebral palsy having an orgasm. So maybe leave these hapless folks at the bar or, if they must be at the game, maybe make them the official beer caddy. Lord knows this Milwaukee’s Best Isn’t going to last through the 4th inning. BEER RUN!

5: Baseball Bats are Not Golf Clubs

So don’t talk about them like they are. I don’t care what triple wall DeMarini bat you got or how many leagues it’s illegal in. The fact is that you couldn’t hit a beach ball off a midget. From now on I’m referring to all of your fancy bats as “The Fat ASS 2000”

6: No Fighting

The only thing lamer then a bunch of dudes mixing it up over a softball game might be a couple of 12-year old girls engaged in a slap fight over a pair of pantyhose.

7: 16-inch Softballs? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Why would you ever need to play with one of these half-sized beach balls? Most of the time using a glove gets in the way, and some league’s version of these balls are actually stuffed with cotton so you can easily catch it without a glove. Their massive size, however, makes them virtually impossible to throw accurately or far. And don’t even think about trying for an extra base hit with one of these behemoths. They weigh more then Star Jones's 6th chin, and you’d be lucky to hit it out of the infield. Play with a real ball. Ok… I mean play with a real softball. It's 12 inches! Isn’t that big enough? 16-inch softballs are to baseball what “Nukem” is to volleyball.

8: You Are Not Sandy Koufax

There has never been, nor will there ever be, a softball game that was won or lost with pitching. The motion of pitching a softball is same motion I would use on a Chuck E Cheese skee-ball machine. Nuff said there, eh, Nolan?

9: Don’t Bitch about the Scoreboard Being Behind

“Hey, we got six runs, not five!” Yes, friend, we know. You see the scorekeeper is probably still preoccupied with writing it down in the book first before they had a chance to put it up on the old scoreboard out there in right field. Give him a minute. He’s probably just catching up. He might also have a pistol in his mouth as he’s 38 years old and he’s still a softball scorekeeper, for Christ sake! He has a degree in Criminology, goddamn it!

10: Team Managers shouldn’t pretend they are REAL Managers

You can dispense with the pacing up and down the bench, and enough with the endless chatter while you’re in the field too. This is not Yankees versus Red Sox. This is The Black Forest Lounge Versus Clarksburg Die Cast. You are the "manager" of a softball team, for Christ’s sake! That means two things: At the end of the game you are the one that gets stuck with the dirty green canvas bag of full of shitty bats that no one uses, and you’re the one that gets stiffed collecting team dues. That’s it, Whitey. And you could also lighten up on reminding us to frequent the sponsor’s bar after the game. They put up $200 and some shitty t-Shirts to be our sponsors. It’s not like we have to go there every game night and drink a grand’s worth of booze to break even with them. They got shitty wings anyway.

11: No Temper Tantrums

Go ahead! Throw your glove down in disgust! Maybe even kick some bats over on your way into the dugout. It’s great when you act like you had everything riding on this BIG GAME! If you are ever pissy or sad after a losing effort in a softball game, take a look to the field on your right and notice that there are 4th grade girls playing the same game you are. Still feel so sad, Sally? Maybe we should go to Dairy Queen, huh? Would that make you feel better?

12: Stats

Why would you need to keep track of traditional baseball stats? I’d me more impressed if softball stats reflected more of what softball means to the people that play it. Stats like “Most Complete Games while Hung Over” or maybe even “Average beer consumed during games”. I think these would be the stats to strive for. Wow, that guy’s averaging a twelve-pack a game. That's the kind of production you want out of a player.

13: The On-Deck Circle

This is where you do some last minute stretching and swinging. This is not where you try to impress everyone with your ability to swing five bats at once. Honestly, we’d start getting impressed if you had about 12 bats. That would be some Barry Bonds Hulkamania shit! You also don’t have to stand there and overanalyze the opposing team's pitcher in an effort to “Figure them Out” like you’re Peter Gammons or something. Hey, Teddy Ballgame! My guess is he’s going to try and lob it over the plate. What do you think?

14: Leave the Shitty Ump Alone

It’s bad enough he’s going through puberty in front of us, but to reprimand him over some call? Come on, man! So there’s no such thing as Ball Five. Give the kid a break already. He’s just trying to make money for Homecoming.

15: Chatter

Everyone likes support, but you don’t have to be that one guy that reminds everyone what to think during the game. Like where the batter hit it before, that he’s a lefty, or to put out my cigarette and get up off the ground in right field. You play your game, I’ll play mine.

So those are a few quick guidelines as you head out to the diamonds this fall, or perhaps next spring. Feel free to call bullshit or post a few of your own. Thanks.

6: No Fighting The only thing lamer then a bunch of dudes mixing it up over a softball game might be a couple of 12-year old girls engaged in a slap fight over a pair of pantyhose.

8: You Are Not Sandy Koufax There has never been, nor will there ever be, a softball game that was won or lost with pitching. The motion of pitching a softball is same motion I would use on a Chuck E Cheese skee-ball machine. Nuff said there, eh, Nolan?

14: Leave the Shitty Ump Alone It’s bad enough he’s going through puberty in front of us, but to reprimand him over some call? Come on, man! So there’s no such thing as Ball Five. Give the kid a break already. He’s just trying to make money for Homecoming.

15: Chatter Everyone likes support, but you don’t have to be that one guy that reminds everyone what to think during the game. Like where the batter hit it before, that he’s a lefty, or to put out my cigarette and get up off the ground in right field. You play your game, I’ll play mine.

So those are a few quick guidelines as you head out to the diamonds this fall, or perhaps next spring. Feel free to call bullshit or post a few of your own. Thanks.

6: No Fighting

The only thing lamer then a bunch of dudes mixing it up over a softball game might be a couple of 12-year old girls engaged in a slap fight over a pair of pantyhose.

8: You Are Not Sandy Koufax

There has never been, nor will there ever be, a softball game that was won or lost with pitching. The motion of pitching a softball is same motion I would use on a Chuck E Cheese skee-ball machine. Nuff said there, eh, Nolan?

14: Leave the Shitty Ump Alone

It’s bad enough he’s going through puberty in front of us, but to reprimand him over some call? Come on, man! So there’s no such thing as Ball Five. Give the kid a break already. He’s just trying to make money for Homecoming.

15: Chatter

Everyone likes support, but you don’t have to be that one guy that reminds everyone what to think during the game. Like where the batter hit it before, that he’s a lefty, or to put out my cigarette and get up off the ground in right field. You play your game, I’ll play mine.