Luke Lemelin Faces Serious Allegations

June 24, 2008

WALPOLE, MA - Luke Lemelin, the Dog Pound's struggling shortstop with no forehead is under intense scrutiny from teammates and the media. "Mr. Lemelin allegedly took 14 beers from a Dog Pound owned 30 pack and brought those same 14 beers to a party in which he handed out beers to several young ladies" said Burlington Detective Matt Leary to a swarm of media personnel. 

"I knew he was up to something, he never hangs around till the end. Especially, when everyone else is gone. This was a premeditated act. I even confronted him about my hunch that he was going to steal the beers and he quickly avoided the subject. He even told me to take off, and volunteered to clean up the trash" said key witness Chris Doherty to the police.

Another anonymous witness from the "party location" came forward and made the following statement to the media:

"I heard up the shindig at work. This guy Fred from Cutco Knives was having a party in Lincoln. It was fun early on , everyone was cutting pennies, one guy was even playing that knive game from predator, it was just fun.  Most guests brought plumbing pipes, vegetables, or overcooked steaks to the party however Luke brought 14 beers.  I thought he was going to cut through the cans and than show us all how he can still slice a tomato but the beers were full. He started handing them out like that annoying Jesus guy outside Fenway hands out pamphlets. We all offered to pay him a little from our commission checks yet he refused. All I know is that he brought beers to the party and he was even wearing a Dog Pound shirt at the party."

Could this be true? If so what should the punishment be? Several lawyers are debating the possible sentences. Luke believes that the beers were simply given up for anyone's taking. However, in years past the extra beers were always either brought to future games or discussed among fellow teammates. Never were they just taken to supply a "dork-infested" party. The Dog Pound plans to attempt to handle this issue internally, however if no adequate punishment can be addressed, several criminal proceedings will be initiated.

"After the next game, I plan to utilize Matt Leary to conduct an intense interrogation on Luke Lemelin. Once I obtain the information from Leary, we will conduct a Team meeting where Luke will be subject to harsh punishment, tomato throwing, and intense criticism." said head coach Riley. How will it all unfold, only time will tell?