Coach Breslin Says Military Is OK

December 15, 2007

READING, MA - Coach Breslin held a rare press conference Saturday afternoon from a local fast food joint.  He has announced a new assistant coach, Major Captain Sergeant almost General Bryan Riley.  This appointment does not replace current Assistant Coach Charlie “Chuck” Doherty, it is an additional coaching position.  Asked why the new position, Breslin said…

“Well, the team can’t go through another off-season where email servers are crippled with insane childish banter  over slow-pitch softball.  The reason this happens is because the team consists of 3 major groups and all want representation:  The drunken Irish brothers, the military / botanists, and nurses / educators.  “Chuck” represents the Irish, I represent the nurses / educators, and now we have Colonel Lieutenant Bryan Riley to represent the military / botanist faction of the team.  The two assistant coaches play a big role.  The two of them can vote on issues.  When they are in agreement, my vote would be negated.  If the two of them don’t agree on an issue, my vote would be the deciding vote.  Of course there would be some sort of veto system in place, but I don’t see me exercising this veto right.  I could really care less who bats where in a lineup, if these two agree on a batting order or defensive alignment, then I’ll write it in the book.”

 It is not unusual for Coach Breslin to do things that people don’t understand.  Even though Mike at the Mic Holley from WEEI mentioned on his program that this move was great for Breslin and the Dog Pound…

 “It really takes the pressure off of Coach Brez that he had last season trying to please all 3 groups of the team, especially the Landscape Designers and National Gaurdsters.  Appointing an additional assistant coach really gives the team better balance.”

 Coach Breslin and new assistant Coach Brigadier Riley have had an interesting relationship over the past 2 seasons.  Together, they star in the post-game tailgates by outdrinking the Doherty’s, but during the past season they had their run in over lineup moves.  Riley was on a tear in the early to middle part of the season.  He was batting close to .900 in the 7 hole and wouldn’t stop bragging about how he was the best hitter on the team.  Coach Breslin called him into action to bat 4^th and pick up the slack of underperforming and missing-in-action teammates and then Riley hit a slump.  He blamed Coach Breslin for trying to make him step up and help the team and said he only wants to bat in the bottom third of the order because it’s easier for him.  But still, Breslin likes the way the Riley speaks up and he really likes having an assistant coach who might actually coach, unlike the other assistant coach, Chuck, who is pretty quiet and doesn’t like to provide feedback until the season is already over.  We reached Riley for comment from his cell phone on his boat in a frozen pond in Tynsgboro.

“I’m what?  He’s just adding a 2^nd assistant coach?  What about Luke?  Why not have 4 coaches?  Actually, that would be ridiculous.  I have not heard about this decision from Coach Brez until now.  I honestly won’t have time to decide if I accept the appointment until my hectic month of Pearl Harbor, Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s observations is finished.

Apparently, Coach Breslin hadn’t told Riley about the new role he would have next year and if he would be interested.  Before he finished his last “Natural” Onion Ring, we were able to get one last comment…

“These boxes, they don’t hold enough onion rings.  These are so much better than BKs too, but when you only get 4 in a box, it’s really a shame.  Oh, and as for Riley, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but didn’t know how to tell him or the team, so, what we usually do on the Dog Pound is have one of these stories posted on our website with made up quotes from make believe press conferences.  It’s just the way we are.  I hope he accepts the appointment and the whole team has a peaceful off-season and looks forward to outscoring opponents in the Spring.”

Coach Breslin was escorted out of Wendy’s by Burlington Police Detective Leary after lighting the onion ring box on fire in protest of the portion size.  Stay tuned to dogpoundsoftball.com for a follow-up article from someone else.