Burlington Recreation Department In Danger

May 19, 2006

BURLINGTON, MA> 24 hours have past since yesterday's rain out and Dog Pound players and fans are still furious. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and the town workers in Burlington were napping. "I'm gonna get those mother fuckers!!" screamed an angry Jason Guidi outside the Recreation Department sometime after 7 PM yesterday. Teammate Matt Leary was called to the scene.  The police report is stated below:

AT 1920 HOURS ON THE 18TH OF MAY, YEAR 2006, POLICE OFFICIALS WERE CALLED TO THE BURLINGTON RECREATION DEPARTMENT FOR LEWD AND DISORDERLY CONDUCT. UPON ARRIVAL, POLICE OFFICIALS NOTICED A CAUCASIAN MALE WEARING CLEATS YELLING PROFANITIES TOWARD THE BUILDING. AS THEY MOVED CLOSER TO THE SUSPECT, THEY NOTICED A SHOVEL IN THE SUSPECTS HAND. THE POLICE SCREAMED TO DROP THE SHOVEL AND HE REFUSED.

UPON CLOSER INVESTIGATION, THEY NOTICED THE SUSPECT WAS ACTUALLY THROWING SAND AT THE BUILDING WITH THE SHOVEL. WITH EVERY SCOOP, HE HOLLERED "USE SAND FUCKERS, IT'S EVERYWHERE" AND "YOU RUN SOFTBALL LEAGUES LIKE OLD PEOPLE FUCK". UPON EVEN CLOSER INVESTIGATION, OFFICIALS FOUND TARPS, RAKES, SHOP VACS, AND A LARGE DILDO.

The suspect was unavailable for questioning. "All we needed was sand dude. I know because I am a Landscape Architect. I could fix this drainage system, next time it rained the rain would be SUPA-LATA" said Luke Lemelin.

Mother Nature hasn't cooperated this year. The Pound will try again this Sunday against the Ligers. All eyes are on the weather channel. "The hopes and dreams of Dog Pound nation floats in the heavens above", said a very spiritual Charles Doherty to local paparazzi.