PRESENTED BY: SOFTBALL GUY

Let the following serve as a warning for you - put together an All Star team of Softball Guys at your own risk.  When this many uber-athletes get on the same diamond, the intensity level will reach toxic levels.  Should some form of a catalyst enter into the equation – say a controversial call – you could be looking at a situation so volatile that it matters not how much protective padding the ump is wearing for he could be torn to pieces in the subsequent frenzy.

Thankfully, www.dogpoundsoftball.com  has brought us a three part series demonstrating this very scenario, so that we can study it and learn from it.  Observe as we walk you through second by second:

WATCH EPISODE 1 BELOW, and then catch the play by play below:

00:50 – Batter, featuring league-required mustache, charges the ump after being called out.  Despite his high rate of speed in attacking the ump, he is able to stop on a dime thanks to his $100 softball cleats.  Note both batting gloves are no longer being worn, rather carried in proper base running form. 

00:57 – Five pairs of baseball pants enter the screen at one time.  If there was any doubt that this was a championship game, one only has to look at the wardrobe.  Shorts don’t win championships.

1:30 – Even despite the heated nature of the argument, the on deck hitter still finds time to take his practice cuts.  Why?  Because when this game resumes, if you get flustered when it’s your turn to rake – especially with a duck on the pond – you’re letting your teammates down.  The only thing that’s worse than letting your boys down in a softball title game is sleeping with their wives…maybe.

1:39 – When the starting shortstop is so incensed that he has to be held back by George, the spitting image of Kevin James, you know things are starting to get out of hand.  You blow a call like that and you should be thrown in jail.  In fact, I think that might be a law in New Jersey.

2:01 – That’s it.  When an ump starts fearing for his safety and that of his family, it’s over.  No more game.  The umpire’s union always ignored him when he said they needed security and now here we are at the brink of a disaster. 

2:13 – Right when the umps breach those gates and the players and fans – hundreds of fans – realize this game has been forfeited, the insults start to fly.  Off camera we hear the subtle criticism of the umpire and his crew “That’s F-ing Bull Shit!”, “You gotta be kidding, it’s the championship game!”  What did you expect?  These guys pay $50 bucks for front row tickets to the St. Anthony’s Annual Tournament Finals and you rob them of that experience.  Eat shit, ump. 

2:50 – Our protagonist returns, livid at the treatment at the hands of the evil umpire.  Not only was he robbed of the title, but an infield hit too.  Next season when he sends out his highlight tape to prospective clubs, that hit would have been a perfect example of his unmistakable grit – crucial at bat, game on the line and he guts out a dink single. 

2:55 – The disappointment…no, outrage is all too apparent.  This slugger had gone out and bought a brand new pair of purple Umbros to match his jersey for the tournament…with pink trim no less!  Did he get to douse them in champagne like he planned?  Not even a drop. 

2:59 – The players are so shaking mad that they can hardly take a pull from their gallon water jugs.  Why gallon water jugs?  Because anything smaller is for pussies who play in non-competitive rec leagues…or worse, co-ed. 

WATCH EPISODE 2 BELOW, and then catch the play by play below:

00:23 – George storms off with one thing on his mind – justice.  Seeing the rage in his eyes, a cautious teammate pleads with him to keep cool, “George, don’t get yourself arrested, cause it ain’t worth it.”   Oh it’s worth it, brother.  This is a freaking softball we’re talking about, if it isn't worth, then what is?

1:30 – Heeding the stern warning of the bat-wielding maniacs, the umpires officially head for a safe zone.  God help him if he hits George’s white ‘stang on the way out.  Cancel his game and nick his 5.0 in the same afternoon?  Two words: Death. Sentence. 

1:52 – It’s never too early to get your little man out to watch some softball. Sure there's loads of cursing, smoking, threatening the life of an umpire and all that, but if he’s going to grow up to be a rec sport legend like his daddy, then mom needs to have him near the bench, no matter how dangerous.

the following serve as a warning for you - put together an All Star team of
 

WATCH EPISODE 3 BELOW, and then catch the play by play below:

2:26 – And with that final wave, George and the gang from Charron’s Market concede.  If the other team is willing to accept a win like that, then they deserve it.  But like a wise onlooker preaches,  “they gotta go all winter knowing they didn’t beat us.”

The lesson in all this: Don’t mess with Softball Guy...but please record him if you get the chance.